ROCHESTER, N.Y. (FLX) — The FLX Tour has long been open and honest about its intentions and willingness to receive sponsorship from the Saudi PIF, and now they appear be one step closer to achieving that goal.
According to several sources, leadership received a “somewhat disturbing and mysterious” letter this week; one with no return address attached. Included in the document is what appears to be Saudi demands of the FLX Tour should the two entities enter into a sponsorship agreement.
The contents of the letter, in its entirety, is pasted below:
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia (PIF) – It has been brought to our attention via numerous online publications from journalists iPhone’s we have complete legal access to, that there is a modest, albeit very fun, regional Golf tour that is operating in our backyard of New York. And we are here to finally address the chatter.
“Make no mistake about it we’ve been hitting hijacking things in New York since the early 2000’s and this tour is now squarely on a flight path to success, and we want on” – claimed Yasir Al-Rumayyan, Chief Governor of the Saudi Backed Private Investment Fund (PIF). Saudi officials explain that the demographic that FLX boasts are exactly the inroads of life most Saudi’s dream of, hence why the interest is higher than a Boeing 737. “One demo group that has been resistant to our presence in the past, is the middle aged drunk stoner, who enjoys the occasional microwave, and is a closet gambling addict. The FLX Tour offers several of these fine young men and we want to tap into those recreational activites” continued Al-Rumayyan.
However if FLX wishes to face Mecca and start securing the bag, there are certainly requirements that must be met. For its part, the PIF has agreed to relax its Sharia law oversight on a number of tour favorites – the wearing of shorts, the digestion of copious amounts of drugs, and the use of foul language are all non-negotiable items FLX tour directors have put on the gold slab table. PIF has agreed these are the life blood of the tour and that the tour would absolutely crumble faster than 2 controlled demos in the middle of Manhattan should they be banned.
PIF officials however, have also in turn, made several non-negotiable items themselves. “Our biggest concern, above all others, is the constant abuse of the “my wife/family” card that several tour players are known to use.” – Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman screamed, as he pulled out his Big Bertha and smoked wife number 13’s dome across the Kingdom to prove his point. In Saudia Arabia we don’t even let these females drive cars or vote, why in the hell would we let them dictate our tour players availability. Should our investment take place, any use of the words for non-participation “Wife, Family, Kids, Birthday Party, Uncle Rons retirement, or Yardwork” will result in an immediate deduction of 10 YMOTY award points, and a fine of $5 to the Breakfast ball fund for the next tournament they enter. Upon start of the 2024 season, all players will have to have sign offs from significant others indicating that all tour dates take precedence and no absence will be had.
Secondly, PIF officials explain that pairings will no longer be drawn from a hat, but rather from a Burka. You are now either a Burka 1 or Burka 2 player. We know a sandbagger when we see one out here in the Sahara, so if you’re out there trying to jump from Burka to Burka, you will go from being stoned to being stoned.
And Lastly, We, as the PREMIER sponsor of FLX, love getting our Crude on – and as so, designate Daniel Otts home on Sea View Ave, as the official tour Oil Rigging location. Should you be in town for an event, and you need to do some late night oil rigging, Mr Otts home is always unlocked and available. ** PLEASE NOTE** The tour is not responsible for any wicker baskets that may or may not be broken during said oil production. Should anyone be home and question your intentions – just tell them the Saudi’s said its OK.
Should we enter into a partnership, you can guarantee the Saudia’s will work much harder than Gene Ferrera Monday through Friday, and provide just as much security as Mike Mortillaro on East and Alexander at 2am on a Saturday night. Please refer additional questions to the commissioners,
Allah Akbar!
The sudden Saudi inquiry surprised FLX leadership this week, and sources say no decisions have been made, though the Tour’s legal team is reportedely “monitoring the situation closely.” Though details are limited, early indicators suggest leadership would be in favor of a spousal waiver form and the inclusion of Burka 1 and Burka 2.
“It’s too long,” FLX Tour Head of Content and Rules Czar Joey Mortillaro said of the letter as he swept ball markers off his kitchen floor. “Felt like I was looking at the poster for the Morty Invitational, which is not a tour, by the way.”
Also included with the letter is what appears to be three photoshopped images of a few FLX leaders:
“I’m not sure what that’s all about, but it’s pretty decent graphic work,” FLX Tour Co-Commissioner Shane Driffill said. “I’ve seen better, but I’ve definitely seen worse.”
There is no doubt that the FLX Tour continues to gain momentum after a successful third major this past weekened, one that featured the largest field and purse in league history. It was a very nice time (VNT) had by all the young men in attendance. But now this sudden contact has leadership on their heels.
“We’re still working on finalizing the roster for the FLX Cup in October,” FLX Tour Co-Commissioner Matt Driffill said. “Once we get that hashed out I guess we can turn some focus to geopolitical economics and the humanitarian cost of a potential partnership. First we gotta fill a few more foursomes though.”
Though FLX Tour officials are famous for being fast-acting and not dawdling over decisions, often to their detriment, sources close to the C-suite say they are going to sit on this offer before annoucning anything in stone. Meanwhile, the rest of the golf world shall hang in the balance of this earth shaking revelation and the ramifications of it.
This is a developing story. Stay tuned for updates.
FLX TOUR Golf 